Raw Spewage

Updates from the battlefield ... fighting and winning against Lyme disease. Lyme bacteria rarely travels alone, by the way... so not only am I infected with Lyme bacteria but it brought along friends Babesia and Bartonella. It's one big keg party in here. But guess what? The party is OVER, boys. I am hammering you with IV meds and you are making me so ill as you fight back... yeah, you SUCK. But my meds are bigger and better and kicking your little bug asses to the curb. I win. =)

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Location: Palo Alto, California, United States

Writing has always been the best way for me to communicate my thoughts. And since my thoughts spew forth as raw, scattered, and random musings... the term "Raw Spewage" seemed quite appropriate.

Monday, May 11, 2009

99 Pounds... still.

99 pounds... still. Clattery insect. Still.
It is way harder to put on weight when you are in this place. I talked with a girl who heads up the SF section of the Lyme group and she had the same problem... still does, even though she is MUCH better now. So I will just keep working at it. But the good news is that I have not LOST any!! Which is HUGE.

More GOOD NEWS: oh yeah, there IS some. Doctor was very very pleased at my last appointment. He did a boatload of brain functionality tests and they were all stable ... he also muscle tested me on the medical food and that is still okay in my system. Then he made two adjustments on my feet and one on my back. Sounds easy huh? WRONG. Up until recently, he could not even make a single adjustment on one toe. That would flatten me -- horribly. Because adjustments made in the body have a HUGE effect on the brain... it's true. Oh so true. The brain is the computer and if you install new software, it has to adjust and integrate it, right? But if the computer system has a bug and things do not work properly then signals get crossed, things don't work, system crashes, etc etc. Same is true for the brain->body connection. I have multiple bugs and they made everything extremely volatile and unstable.
Until recently when we have finally gotten things more stable so I have not been crashing all the time and having things just ... well, stop working.

BIG difference in my emotional stability. Energy. Thinking. Just... everything. And I have been able to maintain this even though each week, he does a tiny bit more to get my body working properly again. It's a shift, a real shift in where things are going. A relief and yet... I find myself anxious at believing it is here to stay.
Doctor picked up on this ... he said that this is normal because for a long time, I got the rug yanked out from under me at the smallest thing... for no apparent reason. I'd be fine then BAM things were horrible. He said I can trust this. That we are nourishing the brain and that is allowing some real healing to take place. And he even mentioned the word "rehabilitation"... helping me regain what I've lost in all this mess. That is for people who are getting BETTER!! Yay!!
So, am learning to trust again. And to try little things, push myself a bit. And of course, keep up with the medical food because that is a huge step in the right direction.

It's a tough thing... but it is also a relief. And I am so ready to slowly gain back my life. When you are in survival mode, you don't care if you've seen the lastest movie.... You just want to find a way to survive to the end of the day. That's all. Nothing else matters. Someone told me this story about a woman going thru chemo... she was in survival mode and needed to find a way to make it through but thinking days in the future was just too much so she would go to the frig and check the expiration date on the milk... and set that as her goal. "I can make it to the day this milk expires..." and that made it all doable. I get that and I have been there but now? It just feels different... like I could go a bit further out than the milk. And maybe, just maybe plan for something a month out?
And THAT is progress. Yay!!

It's a leap of faith, you know? There is one movie that actually showed this leap SO perfectly... I can't remember if I wrote about this before but here it is. It was Indiana Jones and the one with the Grail -- remember the part where he is trying to get through all the tests so he can get to the Grail? There's the test where he has to pick the right spelling of the word so he knows where to step, and he has to bow so he doesn't get chopped, etc etc Well, the "leap of faith" happens when he has to step out into thin air -- he cannot see ANYTHING there to step on - just air. Harrison Ford played this scene so brilliantly... he stops as he looks ahead and sees what he has to do- there is NOTHING to walk on yet he has to go forward. Frantic, he turns around, looks to see if there is any way out of this... maybe someone else to help? Then his head slowly turns forward again when he realizes that no, HE alone has to do this. It's then that all the frantic fight just leaves him and he surrenders to what he has to do. And takes a breath... and finds the courage... and steps. THAT was one of the most brilliant scenes ever done... because it represents how sometimes in life, all you CAN do is surrender and allow yourself to step out into solid air, trusting that the path WILL appear and show you the way.

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