Raw Spewage

Updates from the battlefield ... fighting and winning against Lyme disease. Lyme bacteria rarely travels alone, by the way... so not only am I infected with Lyme bacteria but it brought along friends Babesia and Bartonella. It's one big keg party in here. But guess what? The party is OVER, boys. I am hammering you with IV meds and you are making me so ill as you fight back... yeah, you SUCK. But my meds are bigger and better and kicking your little bug asses to the curb. I win. =)

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Location: Palo Alto, California, United States

Writing has always been the best way for me to communicate my thoughts. And since my thoughts spew forth as raw, scattered, and random musings... the term "Raw Spewage" seemed quite appropriate.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wading through the high water as more pours in

At times, I am afraid to go to sleep. Sound weird? Well, it is just terrifying to wake up with some new symptom that wasn't there when you went to sleep. You think, well if I stay up, I can be the guard and keep something new from sneaking up on me.

Ridiculous, I know.

I don't ACTUALLY stay up all night but... I still find it hard to go to sleep. I've been trying to change that because, hello? Sleep is the best thing for me -- not to mention a perfect way to pass the time and NOT be surrounded and aware this mess. And "this mess" is exactly like being in a room where you have to get to the door on the other side and the water is pouring in.... you have to not only wade through the deep water around your legs but push against the force of it flooding in while making sure you keep your eyes on your goal - THE DOOR.

Oh and you have to also not lose your shit in the process. You have to find a place of balance and allow yourself to KNOW - without a doubt - that you will make it through to that door. It doesn't help to lie, by the way -- you know, saying stuff to yourself like "The water is not here and it is NOT cold... or deep... yadda yadda".

It doesn't help at all.

Why? I have a theory... newly formed. When you lie, it is just making yet another obstacle for yourself. I mean, your brain knows there is water and it is deep and it SUCKS. Why not just call it what it is? It doesn't make it any worse -- in fact, I've found that it helps when you say "Yup. This SUCKS and I HATE this damn water and how cold my legs are and how hard it is to move through this crap."

It is what it is. Ackowledging it doesn't make it worse. It actually allows you to just be in it without fighting it and THAT, my friend, is one thing that I am discovering is hugely important.

Extremely difficult, this surrendering thing. It has always felt like surrender means giving up.
Nothing can be further from the truth. Surrender is just allowing the situation to be what it is. Yeah it SUCKS to be here but here is where I am so how can I make this even the teensiest bit less SUCKING? I've found that humor is quite effective. It distracts you and also makes you laugh... exactly what you need when facing really shitty stuff.

Don't get me wrong -- sometimes it takes all of my strength NOT to just let myself give into despair and frustration... I mean, ENOUGH already. I want my life back. NOW please. But I do not have control over that... all I have control over is how I handle things. That's it.

I know I said I'd give a list of all my symptoms but I went on a tangent and ran out of energy. Maybe later. Although, that said, you have a pretty good idea how limited my energy is... VERY limited and it goes quickly.

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