It never ends, this shit.
Seriously... it really never ends, this shit. I'd love just a one day break from it. Or even a half day. Actually I'd take 30 minutes or ANYTHING.
But... then again, maybe not. It would be horribly depressing to have that one bright spot disappear and leave you in the pit again. At least this way, it is consistently awful.
But that said, I have some incredible angels around me right now -- people who have sprouted wings and help carry me when I can't do it myself. My neighbor? Amazing. He takes me to my doctor appt every week. And he checks in to see how I am doing.... sits a chair out in his backyard where there is warm sun. What a compassionate human.
My other neighbor? I hobbled over the other night because I had nothing left to even make dinner in any way for The Child so I had to ask for help and she was just wonderful. She went and picked up a lovely baked potato and dinner for The Child. So so so sweet.
My neighbor up the street? He started a garden and asked what kinds of things sound good... and then he GREW them! He has loads of organic chard and lettuce and stuff that is *wonderful*. I have been so sick that I have not been able to walk up and pick any so he picks some for me and DROPS IT BY THE HOUSE.
I shit you not.
Angel. Pure angel.
And that's just my neighbors... it doesn't include my Dad who calls me at least 1 or 2 times a week to check in and see how things are.
Or Alan who is holding down a job and the only one bringing money in AND dealing with a very ill "wife" (even though we are not married, it feels like we are). He never signed up for being in a mess like this... taking care of a sick wife and The Child is a LOT for a person to handle. I feel so badly about dragging him through this mess along with me... there's no words for how awful it is some days. Anger and frustration... sadness... we are just DONE with me being sick.
I think the thing that has been the most eye-opening has been The Child ... it feels like she is channeling a 50-year old wise person sometimes.
Seriously. It is the oddest thing to be talking to an 11-year old yet hearing the words of an "old soul" coming out. Very very odd.
She has really tuned in to me and where I am with this.... she is wise beyond her years and incredible in her insight. For example...
My legs hurt so badly right now and are so weak that it is hard to make it up the stairs. This has happened before when my symptoms flare and it is just so humiliating to me. I literally have to use my hands to help crawl myself up the stairs -- falling would be the worst thing ever right now. Crawling up the stairs makes me cry sometimes -- it just all gets to be too much when I cannot even walk upright. She always follows me up so I won't fall and usually by the time I reach to top steps, I have tears pouring down. I turn my face away but... she gently takes both her hands and puts them on my face and turns it toward her. She wipes my tears and says "Mama you are doing a great job. You really are. This is right where you are supposed to be and you are doing great."
I try to smile and finally manage to say "It doesn't feel like I am doing great. It feels horrible sometimes."
She says "Yes but look how far you have come... you are doing a really great job at feeling awful! You are really great at that! And it will get better and better. I want to do a Make a Wish Foundation for YOU -- just think of all the things you will be able to do when you are better!"
What an incredible kid. It cannot be easy to see her Mom in this mess. And that is one big reason why I try so hard to be brave and do the tough stuff... to show her that courage is what you do in spite of being afraid. And that tears will pass through. Crying isn't bad but bottling it all up is. Yes I will get out of this. One step at a time.
But... then again, maybe not. It would be horribly depressing to have that one bright spot disappear and leave you in the pit again. At least this way, it is consistently awful.
But that said, I have some incredible angels around me right now -- people who have sprouted wings and help carry me when I can't do it myself. My neighbor? Amazing. He takes me to my doctor appt every week. And he checks in to see how I am doing.... sits a chair out in his backyard where there is warm sun. What a compassionate human.
My other neighbor? I hobbled over the other night because I had nothing left to even make dinner in any way for The Child so I had to ask for help and she was just wonderful. She went and picked up a lovely baked potato and dinner for The Child. So so so sweet.
My neighbor up the street? He started a garden and asked what kinds of things sound good... and then he GREW them! He has loads of organic chard and lettuce and stuff that is *wonderful*. I have been so sick that I have not been able to walk up and pick any so he picks some for me and DROPS IT BY THE HOUSE.
I shit you not.
Angel. Pure angel.
And that's just my neighbors... it doesn't include my Dad who calls me at least 1 or 2 times a week to check in and see how things are.
Or Alan who is holding down a job and the only one bringing money in AND dealing with a very ill "wife" (even though we are not married, it feels like we are). He never signed up for being in a mess like this... taking care of a sick wife and The Child is a LOT for a person to handle. I feel so badly about dragging him through this mess along with me... there's no words for how awful it is some days. Anger and frustration... sadness... we are just DONE with me being sick.
I think the thing that has been the most eye-opening has been The Child ... it feels like she is channeling a 50-year old wise person sometimes.
Seriously. It is the oddest thing to be talking to an 11-year old yet hearing the words of an "old soul" coming out. Very very odd.
She has really tuned in to me and where I am with this.... she is wise beyond her years and incredible in her insight. For example...
My legs hurt so badly right now and are so weak that it is hard to make it up the stairs. This has happened before when my symptoms flare and it is just so humiliating to me. I literally have to use my hands to help crawl myself up the stairs -- falling would be the worst thing ever right now. Crawling up the stairs makes me cry sometimes -- it just all gets to be too much when I cannot even walk upright. She always follows me up so I won't fall and usually by the time I reach to top steps, I have tears pouring down. I turn my face away but... she gently takes both her hands and puts them on my face and turns it toward her. She wipes my tears and says "Mama you are doing a great job. You really are. This is right where you are supposed to be and you are doing great."
I try to smile and finally manage to say "It doesn't feel like I am doing great. It feels horrible sometimes."
She says "Yes but look how far you have come... you are doing a really great job at feeling awful! You are really great at that! And it will get better and better. I want to do a Make a Wish Foundation for YOU -- just think of all the things you will be able to do when you are better!"
What an incredible kid. It cannot be easy to see her Mom in this mess. And that is one big reason why I try so hard to be brave and do the tough stuff... to show her that courage is what you do in spite of being afraid. And that tears will pass through. Crying isn't bad but bottling it all up is. Yes I will get out of this. One step at a time.
posted by ~wendy. | 2:38 PM
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