Bar Fight Rages On...

Alan showed me the funniest video about Sony products -- how they NEVER work and they ALWAYS blow up or break or ... the guy ends it by looking disgustedly at the camera and muttering "It never ENDS, this shit."

That makes me laugh every time I think about those words.



So where are we? In hell. Still. And the bar fights rages on. I have figured out a way to get up and down the stairs better -- either (a) don't go or (b) crawl. Yeah that is WAY safer than tottering on my not-so-steady legs.

We don't want another clattering Olive Oyl incident now, do we?

I think not.



Here are the current stats:

• From hips down, insides of legs and feel feel numb and wooden


• Sometimes everything is wooden AND frozen cold -- that's a real pisser


• And other times, the heat starts and instead of frozen, it is excruciating ... like the way it hurts so bad when you come in from the snow and your feet start to warm up. Ow.


• I look like Olive Oyl. Yeah that spindly, clattering stick figure who is the girlfriend of Popeye. I am trying to eat as much as possible and keep weight on but ... yeah. It sucks. But it is kind of funny. Kayla and I drew pictures of ourselves and they were just really funny because I was the spindly spider and she had this big poof of hair. Which is true -- the kid has short hair and it is SO thick that all she has to do it shake it around and POOF. There it goes.


• Some freak outs -- some moments where scares blow through my mind like an open umbrella in the wind, tossing and blowing through. I just stand back and allow myself to watch it blow by without getting caught up. It is just temporary. It will pass. It does.


• Fatigue is HUGE. Sometimes I will wake up and find that hours have gone by. That is unsettling but at least I am not awake and am getting a break from dealing with this shit. Which is nice.


• Emotional mosh pit. But it passes. It never ends, this shit. So I swing between agony, sadness, frustration, anger, laughter, and ... well, you get the idea.

But you know what? I am MAKING IT THROUGH.

Slowly. Baby steps at a time. Crawling if needed.

But I. Am. Doing. This.



AND I found some positive things...

• My vision is holding steady and deteriorating like it has done in the past.


• I am actually getting times when my legs and feet are warm -- yes it hurts but it also means that the cold is not sticking all the time.


• I can walk a little better sometimes -- not always bent over or dragging one leg.


• My weight has not plummeted any further -- which is huge. Still a spindly 99 pounds but hey, I'll take it.


• I can sleep!


• My writing has been such a blessing to put my mind someplace else... my books and my humor are interesting... hopefully one day, other people will agree.


• I think I figured out that I am allergic to feathers. Which is actually a HUGE thing considering that our bed has feather comforter, feather pillows and the furniture in the LR has both a couch and a huge chair stuffed with feathers. Yeah. So they are all going to be tossed out of the house as soon as I can find a way to get them out.


• I get to buy a new bed and possibly LR furniture!