Utterly Trashed

Being "trashed" in college meant drunk and unable to function. It's actually quite an appropriate term for how it feels when my brain and body just are DONE.


Game over.


This state of being is a Lyme thing. It is a bad place to be because it means that you've shot your wad of energy and your brain is so fatigued that your symptoms get flared.


Or worse, some other horrible symptom rears its ugly head.


My goal each day is to prevent this trashing from happening... unfortunately, there are days, like today, when it is unavoidable. It's around 8pm and I just dragged myself downstairs from where I was sleeping since 3pm.


And I do mean dragged. I am still exhausted and still feeling horrible.


But at least I can still see. Oh yeah, my vision has gone before. Which used to be terrifying but now? It's just one of those things.


So. I'll be quick since I have nothing left here -- let me describe how this feels.


The reason I am in this state is because I had a doctor appt which means being driven in the car. Driving or riding in the car is not an enjoyable thing because of the amount of information that bombards my senses... the cars flying past, the bright lights, the horns, the cars, the people flashing past, the speed of the car, the sensation of movement, the sun. It is especially bad to see things in my peripheral vision... that flashing movement is a Bad Thing.


Okay, so we're already in trouble BEFORE the appt.


And the appts are not the usual appts. No. My doctor is an expert in Lyme and the complex connections between the brain and the body. He can test me and pinpoint exactly where my brain is not functioning. he doesn't do this every time but today he needed to see exactly where things are right now... which areas are weak.


Uh oh. Sigh. I'm done.


So tired i cant think anymore. s o frustarting havingthis happen.