Bar Fight
The best way to describe what is happening in my body is to use the example of a bar fight or a riot. I have had the misfortune of experiencing both...
I was at some crappy small town carnival, packed with people, when a fight broke out between 2 guys and INSTANTLY wave after wave of people started fighting and it swept everywhere. The violence was so fast and so furious that it was just like what happens when you are in the ocean in that bad spot where you keep getting hit by wave after wave. It swirls all around you and it was all I could do to duck my head and get out by weaving my way between and running as fast as I could. It was only after I was far enough away that I felt all the bangs and bruises that I got from pushing my way out and shoving the flailing fists and feet out of my face -- when you are in that mode of survival, you just don't feel the "small" stuff.
Well the same is true when your body is on high alert and feels like it is being attacked. Or when the bacteria you are hitting with potent medication feels the threat to itself. Survival mode kicks in and the only goal is to make the threat STOP. The bacteria does that by making releasing toxins that make you feel BEYOND horrible... the bacteria is smart -- it thinks if it makes you feel bad enough, you will stop the medication.
Well, in my case right now they are causing excruciating cold spots that are causing my legs to shake so badly I cannot walk. My hips are so agonizing that it hurts to sit. To lay. To move. My feet feel like blocks of wood which make it incredibly difficult to walk across a carpet to make it to the bathroom... I tripped yesterday and lost balance and smashed into the wall.
It was excruciating pain and humiliation and... well...
It was FUNNY.
"Funny?" I can hear you say, "How can running into a wall be FUNNY?"
Like this: I am 5'6" and the virus has made me lose a huge amount of weight so I am tall... but all gangly and spindly and leggy. Like a big spider right now. When I tripped, I was carrying a bottle of pills that went clattering.
My husband was in the other room... he heard the BANG and BOOM and CLATTER and WAAAAAAAAAAAAH of me wailing and instantly comes over to me asking "What went clatter? What went clatter? Are you okay?"
I'm crying and eventually get out "I fell... and it HURT... and I dropped my PILLS..."
And he helps me sit down and starts to laugh... out of relief and at the picture he had in his head.... he said that he didn't see it happen but he heard the clatter and that made this HUGE picture in his mind of all of my spider limbs flailing around and clattering as I tried to regain my balance.
Which was very funny, in a sick demented way -- and it made ME start to laugh... at myself as a spindly spider, clattering around.
In fact, we both started howling, tears pouring down our faces.
It was funny and THAT, my friend, is the way you keep your sanity and heal when things are this bad. You can't choose the things that come your way but you CAN choose how you deal with them. And laughter feels SO good. It allows you to say "it is what it is" and "I look like a spider for now but that will change" and "I think I may get one of those little plasma cars that kids ride and use THAT to get through the house".
Oh yeah. We have a PLAN.
I was at some crappy small town carnival, packed with people, when a fight broke out between 2 guys and INSTANTLY wave after wave of people started fighting and it swept everywhere. The violence was so fast and so furious that it was just like what happens when you are in the ocean in that bad spot where you keep getting hit by wave after wave. It swirls all around you and it was all I could do to duck my head and get out by weaving my way between and running as fast as I could. It was only after I was far enough away that I felt all the bangs and bruises that I got from pushing my way out and shoving the flailing fists and feet out of my face -- when you are in that mode of survival, you just don't feel the "small" stuff.
Well the same is true when your body is on high alert and feels like it is being attacked. Or when the bacteria you are hitting with potent medication feels the threat to itself. Survival mode kicks in and the only goal is to make the threat STOP. The bacteria does that by making releasing toxins that make you feel BEYOND horrible... the bacteria is smart -- it thinks if it makes you feel bad enough, you will stop the medication.
Well, in my case right now they are causing excruciating cold spots that are causing my legs to shake so badly I cannot walk. My hips are so agonizing that it hurts to sit. To lay. To move. My feet feel like blocks of wood which make it incredibly difficult to walk across a carpet to make it to the bathroom... I tripped yesterday and lost balance and smashed into the wall.
It was excruciating pain and humiliation and... well...
It was FUNNY.
"Funny?" I can hear you say, "How can running into a wall be FUNNY?"
Like this: I am 5'6" and the virus has made me lose a huge amount of weight so I am tall... but all gangly and spindly and leggy. Like a big spider right now. When I tripped, I was carrying a bottle of pills that went clattering.
My husband was in the other room... he heard the BANG and BOOM and CLATTER and WAAAAAAAAAAAAH of me wailing and instantly comes over to me asking "What went clatter? What went clatter? Are you okay?"
I'm crying and eventually get out "I fell... and it HURT... and I dropped my PILLS..."
And he helps me sit down and starts to laugh... out of relief and at the picture he had in his head.... he said that he didn't see it happen but he heard the clatter and that made this HUGE picture in his mind of all of my spider limbs flailing around and clattering as I tried to regain my balance.
Which was very funny, in a sick demented way -- and it made ME start to laugh... at myself as a spindly spider, clattering around.
In fact, we both started howling, tears pouring down our faces.
It was funny and THAT, my friend, is the way you keep your sanity and heal when things are this bad. You can't choose the things that come your way but you CAN choose how you deal with them. And laughter feels SO good. It allows you to say "it is what it is" and "I look like a spider for now but that will change" and "I think I may get one of those little plasma cars that kids ride and use THAT to get through the house".
Oh yeah. We have a PLAN.
Labels: bacteria, cold spots, coping, horrible symptoms, humor, lyme disease, riot
posted by ~wendy. | 3:36 PM
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