Raw Spewage

Updates from the battlefield ... fighting and winning against Lyme disease. Lyme bacteria rarely travels alone, by the way... so not only am I infected with Lyme bacteria but it brought along friends Babesia and Bartonella. It's one big keg party in here. But guess what? The party is OVER, boys. I am hammering you with IV meds and you are making me so ill as you fight back... yeah, you SUCK. But my meds are bigger and better and kicking your little bug asses to the curb. I win. =)

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Location: Palo Alto, California, United States

Writing has always been the best way for me to communicate my thoughts. And since my thoughts spew forth as raw, scattered, and random musings... the term "Raw Spewage" seemed quite appropriate.

Monday, September 14, 2009

When the Rug Gets Yanked Out From Under You

In my last post I tried to describe the process of how the brain gets overwhelmed ... it happened last week in a big, ugly way. It happened so quickly -- the crash, that is -- that I was sobbing before I even knew why.

And before I go further, let me just say this... I rarely cry.

And it is extremely difficult to write about this stuff. It is bad enough living through it once but living through it again when I try to explain it?

Very unpleasant. That is why it took me a week to even want to write about it. But I know others with Lyme deal with this so... I think it is important to try and explain.

Here's what happened:
I had been taking care of The Small Hairy One -- a small hairy dog -- for 2 weeks... she was very sweet and I LOVED her but very hairy. I say "hairy" because she did not have fur -- she actually had hair and this was important because, as Doctor explained when I told him about my crash, the hair moved, the dog moved. And my brain could not ignore any of it -- all of it went in and swamped my system.

So I was already in the shit and I have not even started the story. Strike 1.

The Man was home and he was playing music -- nice music but more input... and then he made garlic bread. The house was filled with the smell of garlic. I had no idea how badly smells affect me -- but they really do and now I know why -- they overload my system. You cannot get away from smells -- they surround you no matter where you go. Strike 2.

He dropped a dish into the sink and it broke a glass -- the noise crashed through my last bit of sanity and I snapped "Please don't do that!"
Frustrated, he snapped back and threw a huge handful of silverware into the sink with a loud head-splitting crash.
And I was done.

I started sobbing -- I mean sobbing. Noise and smell have powerful effects on me -- especially when I cannot escape them. The garlic smell was throughout the house... I was standing in the kitchen when the glass broke and the silverware was thrown in the sink.
I had nowhere to go

So what happened?

I have a 12-year old sweetie I always call The Child. She has watched me deal with Lyme and I swear she is magic in situations like this. She came over and put her arms around me tight. Just stood there, not saying a word. Just holding tight to me and wiping my tears.

Then she told me to go somewhere quiet and dark.

So I did. And it helped and eventually I came out to be with humans and The Hairy One again.


I tell this story not to make The Man look bad -- he's human and he has dealt with me being sick for a long time. People break stuff all the time. People get frustrated. They make noise when they snap. Shit happens.

But this shows how everyday stuff turns into nuclear stuff for someone with Lyme. There just isn't any room or flexibility for the normal shit that is going to happen in life -- glasses break. Music plays. Horns blow. Fire engines roar past. People wear perfume or burn food. People smoke. Dogs have hair. That is life.
But Lyme removes your ability to "pick your battles"... or maybe I should say "pick what you pay attention to". I have no filters right now and you need filters in life. You use them all day, every day, whether you know it or not. It's really hard without filters. It just is. People who get migraines understand this feeling because their senses get hyper-sensitive to light, noise, smell when they have a migraine. It's miserable.

As my brain heals, I will get my filters back but now? I have to just deal without them.
So how do you deal? There are some tricks I use that really help. Will explain in next post but right now am done.

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Blogger Alix said...

What a great way to bring people into this mystery of why unexpected loud noises can bring a lyme patient to tears. This has happened to me. Thanks for putting it into words and making me feel like less of a freak.

1:32 PM  

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