fighting this war

it's 10pm and i cannot stop the tears.
my special man is in germany. my daughter is at her dad's house.

my best friend is in india.
i have never felt so alone, so lonely, the sadness overwhelming me
as wave after wave after wave turns me under...

if i was not so ill, i could handle this

but
when your entire being is just fighting to make it through the day,

to battle the pain and fatigue
there just aren't words to describe the energy it takes

to fight this war. every single day.
it feels as if no one cares. it feels as if it would be a relief if
i wasn't here.
a constant reminder of all the things i keep my family from doing.
a constant reminder of all the things i keep my family from getting.
this disease has robbed me of so much.
so much.
it's a load that is so difficult to carry and i am so weary of carrying it.
so weary.


but
if i leave those words on the page without digging for the ray of hope
i am letting this disease beat me
and i won't
so with the greatest effort that costs me so much
i dig to find the rays of hope...

that i now weigh 100 pounds
that my immune system has started to fight
that my doctor sees me as strong enough to take
the pounding of medicines that he is giving me
again and again



"what you do every single day is nothing short of heroic"

i cling to these words from my doctor as the tears come


and even though

i cannot see my way out of this forest
where i am lost
i know that i am only a few trees away from freedom
and to give up now
would make all of it a broken dream
instead of a surprising moment of freedom ...

when i step foot outside
this prison
and feel the rays of the sun warm my life again